28th + A Lockdown

My birthday post usually consistents of my personal achievements and goals for the year ahead, however I wanted to get real in this one. I'm not going to sugar coat how this year has been. With a worldwide pandemic, a multitude of wrong decisions and a whole load of bad luck, 2020 really hasn't been my year. I understand it hasn't been easy for anyone, so I thought I'd share my 2020 experience too. Wow, what a year. I say wow not in a positive light. I thought I was having a bad time in 2019 with all the stupid things that concerned my mind. I now look back on a year ago today and my troubles then, completely pale into insignificance, I think we've all had a tough time am I right? Over the past  year I've learned some of the biggest lessons of my entire life, suffered heartbreak, loneliness, and the feeling of being completely lost and depressed. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't all been bad, and I'm so grateful for all of the good. But in today's post, I just wanted to keep it real.

Full of ego and big headedness last year, I prematurely quit my job. Not thinking of anyone else but myself, I thought I was set for greatness in the freelance game, things haven't turned out quite the way I intended just yet but I'm pushing harder than I've ever done before to make it happen. I've always taken chances, I've never lived life in the safe lane. I explained to you all last October, very nonchalantly, that I were to leave my job and risk it all to go freelance. I didn't have a care in the world and I thought everything would work out for me, as they always have done in the past. I said I'd ace the freelance game, I said I'd be able to pay my rent no problem, I said everything will be great... how wrong I was. SO FAR!

After moving back from Manchester in a split decision of rage and stupidity, January came around and I felt like I had nothing left. I'd lost my entire life over night - I'd never the effects of 'blue January' but this year, I was deep in its cold jaws. Every single day was a battle with my own mind. February came with one job opportunity, I spent my last £90 to buy a train ticket to travel down to the meeting I had set up, I knew after I had spent the remaining money I had, I'd literally have nothing left, not only in my life but in my bank account too. I put all my chips on the table and hoped it would pay off. Unfortunately my bet didn't pay off. Rock bottom was hit, oh hey, I'm back here again! I was back in the same position as I was three years ago, in my parents house. 

I can count on one hand the places I've visited this year, not only had I had to deal with the mess I'd made of my life, I was also now up against a world-wide pandemic. Job searching with no money, in a lockdown was something I never thought I'd have to endure. In a time I desperately needed my friends and a social life, it was taken away from me. I'm so grateful for the support my family gave me during this time. I needed my friends so much this year, to help me take my mind off all the negativity, and to distract me from how bad things were. Sadly now thanks to restrictions on travelling, I felt completely shut off and desperately sad.

On a positive note, I'd received a handful of small jobs this year, which I am super grateful for, I have pushed my creativity so far I didn't think it was possible. I persisted with my video and creative work and that sort of saved me and my mind from total depression. I've took to reading a lot of self help books my friend lent me over lockdown. Reading a huge stack of them in lockdown has changed my mindset on a lot of things and my positivity is certainly back. That, as well as meditation and exercise of course! I have stuck with this regime everyday this year. The first thing I do every morning is head out on my run, then shower and then get ready for my working day in a structured environment, with a meditation session in the afternoon. I'm proud to say I have done this every day since January 1st,  I am so pleased with myself for keeping that up, I cannot recommend a routine highly enough - meditation and exercise will help you massively in any place you and your mind is currently at!

You never know how lucky you are, or that you have everything you've always wanted, until it's gone. Every single day has shown and reminded me of that. I'm just starting to heal from what has happened over the last 365 days and I know what has happened will leave it's painful scars, but most importantly I'm here to carry on. I am here to stay positive and no matter what happens, I will keep creating until I get noticed and I finally find myself back in 'the game', this time acknowledging how lucky I am when playing it!

Cheers for reading,
A big thanks to my family and my very close pals for being there this year, lets make next year fucking big and make up for things we've missed out on, shall we? 

Stay safe, Stay positive & know how grateful to be!